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Goldman Beats Earnings in All Spatial and Temporal Dimensions

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There is a natural order to the universe. Its immutable laws dictate that regardless of economic conditions, Goldman Sachs will beat quarterly earnings expectations. This has always been true and will continue to be true in the future. There existed only a void before Goldman Sachs, and there will exist nothing after. The timeline of events has already been written.

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Q2 Year 2020

Global pandemic. Negative 40% GDP. Double-digit unemployment.

"The World is Temporarily Closed" on Theater Marquis











Goldman Sachs beats Q2 earnings. Records second-highest revenue number in firm history.

Q3 Year 2032

Society rips apart. Governments fall. Organized financial markets cease to exist. 

Large group of protesters

Goldman Sachs beats Q3 earnings on strong performance by beaver pelt and penicillin bartering desk. 

Q4 Year 2337

Dry land disappears. Machines become self-aware, unleash thermonuclear war. Humanity pushed to brink of extinction. 

Nuclear explosion

Goldman Sachs beats Q4 earnings on cost efficiencies associated with future headcount reductions.

Q2 Year 3.25*1098

Untold eons since Earth swallowed by Sun. Last supermassive black hole evaporates. Isolated electrons and positrons drift through empty space. The heat death of the universe.

Empty void of space

Goldman Sachs beats Q2 earnings on rumors of new universe with 10% capital gains rate. 

So is the way. Now and forever. 

Posted by Jack P. on July 15, 2020
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